Atomic Wedgie
Deep & NastyArchive for ewww
Incy Wincy My Ass
I was going at my favorite past-time, downloading porn movies. I reluctantly look up from my screen & I see a huge spider in my bedroom. It was fucking huge, like the size of my fist I swear!!! I choked on my own breath & ran for my pif paf, but it had disappeared by then. I sprayed every inch of the room anyways, & not a trace.
Now I can see it in everything. Feel it in everything. I have to touch my head every now & then to make sure it’s not there. I’m hugging an insecticide for God’s sake.
Well, you can guess that I’m not sleeping tonight.
So, if you’re a friend & would like to catch up, this is the time.
And if you’re not a friend, now’s probably a good time to get to know each other, and buy each other coffee – I could use a cup right now.
Phantom of the Loo Returns: The Sequel
The phantom dick is back, except…
it’s not a phantom dick, it’s a fucking real one. Yes, I know what you’re thinking… eeeeeeewwwwwwwww! Shut up, I know!
*Shreiking in head, and throwing up in mouth*
One of the cleaning contractors has the weirdest fetish. He ignores “Ladies Toilet” signs. No that’s not his fetish. He ignores the men’s stall (because it used to be a men’s toilet), and the shit hole in the ground, and aims his filthy hose on the fucking toilet seat, and the floor. That’s the ass hole’s fetish.
I went straight to the Dharma Initiative administration manager and told him to grab him by the dick and shove him outside. We still need to find out who the phantom is. You know how sociopaths are, they look absolutely normal, like you and me. Well, at least me.
My Ass is Grass
This diarrea is killing me! It was worst when on the plane. I tried to hold it back for 20 hours. The turbulance didn’t help at all.
Three days later, I am bound by my bowels to a kilometer radius from the hotel. After every snack, every sip of coffee, every meal, I have to run back to the room for emergency evacuation. Sometimes, as soon as I leave the bathroom, I feel my intestines churning again, ready for another go.
It sucks that this had to happen on my first real holiday. Dammit!!! I tried everything to stop it, even swallowing a tea bag. Ew… I can still feel it at the back of my throat.
Phantom of the Loo
You know how some people who’ve lost a body part have phantom parts? They feel that it’s there & that they can send or receive signals to/from it. But the horrible truth is, it’s not.
There’s this French woman who’s visiting the Dharma Initiative for the next couple of weeks. She has a phantom dick. She peed all over the toilet seat. Fucking filthy French. @_%^@*$@&_%
Worldwide Standards
The Dharma Initiative I work at is one of the best in terms of HSE (Health, Safety, & Environment). We have very high standards, I tell you! Health, safety, & environment are all we talk about.
One day, one of the employees comes to work with a nasty cough. He coughs his way through the morning meeting without covering his mouth, and totally sticking out his tongue as he goes at it. He even started gagging.
I haven’t seen someone cough like that since kindergarten when we used to totally fake it. I mean come on!! The sticking-tongue-out cough?!
The Double L Word
Did you know some desert lizards don’t reproduce, but replicate themselves. However, in order to do so, they need to trigger their hormones. So, they rub against each other like a bunch of lezbos.
Yep, that’s what I was watching this weekend, Lesbian Lizards, on National Geographic.
Today, I Got the Crap Beaten Out of Me
I went to my supervisor’s office to find him freaked out and staring at my head. I guessed there was something there. It was some sort of poisonous bug. According to him, if it bit me I’d have to go to the hospital straight away.
So I moved my head forward, and he bashed it in with a huge pile of papers. OUCH! The bug had flown by that time, and it didn’t get squashed on my head and oozed slimy stuff all over my face.
We didn’t find the bug after that. My supervisor was worried it might get him, but we forgot about later.
I just can’t help but think: Is it possible there never was a bug, and… ? Hmmmm?!
Congestion?
I was telling my cousin today about the new drug for constipation. It’s expensive, but very effictive. SALIK, you just shove it up your ass nose.
Almost There
Yesterday I went for my pre-employment medical examination. For a moment, it felt like I had applied to NASA & they were testing my durability for outer space.
They took 4 gallons of blood, that around the end, the blood was so sluggish, & the nurses were going “Push. Push!” I was fasting, and they drained me off my blood. I think that was another test: remaining alive with no blood nor food in your system.
I was supposed to hear noises with very low amplitude and frequencies. I’m not Batman, but I can pull off being a side-kick!
And everytime I entered an examination room, I was asked to take off certain pieces of clothing. It got really frustrating, that I’d just strip naked every time I entered a room, without being asked to do so. The last doctor was shocked. She said, “I only thought you’d be more comfortable with your shoes off.”
Thank God I’m not a guy. I hear they get molested during these examinations.
Precog
I see things. Two crimes are going to take place soon. I don’t know where, and I don’t know when. I just know it’s going to happen. They must be stopped before it’s too late!
I was going through my blog stats this morning, when I came across the search engine terms (these are terms people used to find your blog). There they were right before my eyes. I could picture them being acted out. It was horrible. Traumatizing. They must be stopped!!
“grandma nasty atomic wedgie”
“boys giving girls atomic wedgies”
(There are real sick people out there, who google atomic wedgies and ways to torture their grandmothers. But the real sick thing is, they always happen to stumble onto my blog.)
