Atomic Wedgie
Deep & NastyItaliaaano
I haven’t written in a long time because I was busy eating in Paris, Marseille, Cannes, Nice, Monte Carlo, Geneva, and Milan. It’s amazing how much of a culture you can exprience by just trying their food.
Of course my favorite would have to be Milano, because I not only got to learn about the culture, but also the language of food. After spending four nights in Milan I am now proficient at the Italiano food vocabulary. Anything beyond food just doesn’t get past my skull, because eat was all we did, and we have the photos to prove it!
My food language came in handy once though when I screamed “il conto” meaning “the bill” at a nasty lady who bumped into me!! Ironically, the bill at the amazing tortelloni place really was a cunt.
Mojo
Today I was evicted from my cubicle… into an excecutive office at the Dharma Initiative, with all the big shots.
I already miss all my buddy cubicle monkeys. They’re an amazing, super fun bunch.
One of them just peeked into the office, dropped a few bombs, and walked away. As if I had a choice!! They cut off my phone line and internet so I would move.
Man, I feel so down.
I lost my mojo.
Sweet Dreams
Last night, I had the most amazing dream. And, this is why I’m typing this at 3:30am. I can’t go to sleep knowing I can’t continue that dream. The only thing that made me wake up last night was the fact that I would’ve peed in my bed had I stayed any longer.
In this midst of all the chaos; moving out and planning the summer vacation, I get the perfect dream that puts my life fantasies into perspective!
Man, if I could ask for one thing, it’d be to continue that vivid dream. Otherwise, I can always settle for a re-run.
Effing Sixteen
I fucking hate people. If I could turn Sweeney Todd on people and start slitting their throats, I totally would.
Remember how work was just me and the guys? Well, things have changed. Now there’s seven other girls, and it’s fucking high school all over again.
I didn’t mingle much in high school, and I definitely don’t feel like mingling at the Dharma Initiative. Fuck. I wish they would just leave me alone.
Why didn’t you hang out with us today? Aren’t you one of us? And they have to judge everything!!
What does one of us mean?
Hanging out with juvenile oestrogen producers has never been a favorite past time of mine. Of course there are exceptions to these rules. If you look at my close friends, you’ll find they’re all psychos in their own way. That’s how I like it, baby: when us anti-social, world-class bitches get together.
So NO, I’m not one of YOU thank God!
Bye Bye
My turtle suddenly stopped moving. I nudge it, and it won’t even blink. I tried everything just to get a reaction out of it. It’s official, my turtle’s dead.
It looked really sick the previous days. I saw it was dying, but there was nothing I could do for it. I don’t know how to deal with these situations. I was hoping my Emergency Response Training Course would kick in, but there was no way I could diagnose the problem.
I tried my best to clean up its tank and provide sufficient food for it, and give it an occassional back rub. I knew it was coming, but I wasn’t ready for it at all. I broke down when I came home to find it lying there just sticking out of its tiny shell. I’m PMSing at a very bad time.
Although many suggested I flush it down the toilet, I simply couldn’t bear the thought. I asked Sin, my roomy, to dispose of the body in a dignified way. The next day I came home to find the tank empty. Sin said she buried it somewhere on the beach. I was relieved but then, disturbing thoughts creeped in.
What if it wasn’t dead? I didn’t even check for it’s vital signs. I didn’t attempt CPR. I didn’t defibrilate. I just gave up on it & declared it dead. What if it were only in a coma? And then it’ll wake up to find itself six feet under!! I can’t even bring myself to finish the scenario in my head. I gotta stop.
As a tribute to my turtle, I’m going to hum Mariah Carey’s new song Bye Bye - not the original one, but the remix.
The Snooze Effect
When I set my phone alarm for the next morning, I set it at least an hour earlier. And, I snooze my way into waking up on time. Hopefully, by then, I hadn’t bashed the God-damned device into the chips that make it. This way, I’m giving myself enough warning that it’s almost time! This is the snooze effect in simple terms.
As mankind progresses from ape to dumber-better-looking ape we tend to see more of this effect.
During the latest Dark Age - the 21st century onwards - man decided having red, yellow, and green traffic lights weren’t enough for him. He needed to be warned before the prehistoric traffic light decided to turn red all of a sudden, cathcing him off guard! He created a snooze: the green blinking light, a.k.a. drive-faster-or-you’ll-miss-it / I-hope-you’re-not-epileptic.
I bet you, back in the days of the dinosaurs, they only had red & green lights. Some snoozer decided he wanted to add yellow.
Sister Talk
Dear Azza who is my sister,
I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to you for being so harsh and inconsiderate throughout your teenage years.
I had forgotten what it was like to be stupid & utterly brainless. That is, until I played basketball yesterday with a bunch of 14 year-olds. Their hormones were all over the place, it was horrific.
I forgot what it was like to have your whole life revolve around school & what exams you had today. And how the first question you ask someone you’d just met is, “what grade are you?” And, when I said I was working, their tiny brains simply could not process it. I don’t blame them really. It was my fault for challenging their wits.
Now that I think about it, what is the first question adults ask when they meet a new person?
So, dear sister, I hope you accept my apology. I should’ve known you were clueless.
Love,
Your Eldest Sis, Fatima
